Warning, this post is going to be EXTREMELY disjointed and kinda babbly.

I’ve been meaning to write this forever now, but it’s really hard to find the words.

Basically, about two months ago, I had a mental breakdown.  I would go from one room to the next, and forget how I got there.  The last day I worked, I neither remember the drive there, or the drive back home.  I was completely spaced out all the time.

We didn’t know what was wrong, so we went to the emergency room, where they didn’t find anything.  We went to my general doctor, who said it may be a flair up of ADD.  We tried to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, but no one would see me for months.  Luckily, we COULD get in to see a psychologist.

During that appointment, I described what was going on, and he said it could be a sign of Asperger’s, but he would refer us to a specialist since that wasn’t really his field.  That diagnosis pretty much went out the window when I met with my current psychologist.  She determined that I have social phobia and panic disorder.

See, my whole life, I’ve been scared of crowds, and I’ve always had trouble dealing with people in general.  It never occurred to me something was wrong there, everyone just thought I was shy.  However, it’s pretty damn crippling when you think about it.  I rarely go out, and when I do, I try to avoid any human interaction with people I don’t already know and trust.

Anyway, the last few months at work, I guess it was building up a lot more then I wanted to admit to myself.  In hindsight I was taking a lot more days off (I thought I was just being lazy).  But the way my shrink describes it, my body just couldn’t keep up with what my mind was having to deal with anymore.

I work in a hotel that can be pretty stressful for a normal person.  I’ve had several bad situations that’re always in the back of my mind, because I’m afraid they’ll happen again.  With me, that fear is always there, to the point I dread having to even get ready for work.  I tried to dismiss it, but that was doing more damage then anything.

My shrink said I react to negative situations like someone with post-traumatic stress disorder would have a ‘Nam flashback or something.  It’s a real bitch, because it’s something I have no control over.  I know logically there’s no reason to freak out in these situations, but there’s this weird chemical reaction in my brain that always tells me “YOU HAVE TO GET OUT.”

The doctor put me on Xanax, and my shrink’s been walking me through some breathing exercises.  It seems to have calmed me down a bit, but whenever I think about work, I get super anxious.  I have went back, but I’m only working one day a week.

Last night was my first night back.  Unfortunately, I don’t think I can handle going back full time (Hell, just going back for one day on the slowest day of the week completely exhausted me).  I’m not sure what it is.  I think it’s like a rape victim being forced to go back to where they were raped (horrible analogy, but that’s seriously how my brain processes this crap).   I’m already looking for another job, but it’s kinda scary.  I only have insurance through the company I’m working for now, and if I don’t go back to full time, I’ll probably lose it.  It’s sad, I can’t afford to go to therapy, unless I stay with the place that was actually making me crazy.

How fucked up is that?